"Sometimes it feels so good to just be by yourself, relax and not talk to anyone" Kristen Butler.
Most nights, once the boys are asleep, I begin thinking about what my husband and I will have for our evening meal. By this point, I am normally too tired to cook anything, let alone cook anything fancy. I sometimes feel really sorry for my husband; I am lucky that he is so understanding and not fussy at all. In fact, recently over the last few evenings he has told me not to worry about cooking and he encourages me to either relax or go out and do something for myself.
So one evening last week after a particularly bad day full of biting and breastfeeding, I decided to spend my evening visiting my cousin and new baby niece. As I drove to her home, I saw many groups of women, walking together enjoying the lovely sunny weather. I noticed how they were all chatting away and I am assuming they were probably enjoying their evening just the way they had planned. Some may be mothers, some may not be, but irrelevant of this, these ladies had the energy to actually leave the house, and participate in some light exercise.
In my world, after an afternoon of playing, followed by dinner, bath, reading and bedtime, most nights I am too tired to even go back down the stairs let alone go out for a walk. In this particular instance I had to force myself to leave the house because honestly I needed a change of scenery. Being away from my normal environment was what I thought I needed to refresh myself.
Even though some days can be hard, most of the time, I love the time that I have with my boys. Most days I count my blessings and appreciate the fact that I am able to be their primary caregiver. However, today after I saw these ladies casually enjoying their evening walk; is it bad to say that for a moment I wondered to myself, “when will I be in the position to do what they are doing?”
Is it bad to say that a small part of me is looking forward to the stage in my life when I am not so exhausted and I am able to head out at 7pm to meet a group of my girlfriends to go for a walk?
Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean I want to change anything about my life but I just wonder when will an evening walk come before “my time and my sleep time in my priority list?"
Presently my ladder of priorities begins with:
- My children's needs: that involves everything meals, playtime, bath time, bed time. (this list could go on forever)
- My time: unwinding, whether it be using my time to watch television, write or sometimes to not talk to anyone and just appreciate sitting in silence.
- Time for my husband, time that I need to make for us both, so that we can have an uninterrupted conversation, or to cook and enjoy an evening meal.
-Time to catch up on the errands that need to be done and to also try and catch up on some sleep.
I understand that my list here is due to circumstance and it is not permanent.
One day I am sure my list of priorities will edit itself, certain needs will move up the ladder and certain ones will move down. Some may disappear and some maybe be replaced, but sooner or later I hope to have more time.
I hope to be more well rested and to not be totally exhausted by 7pm. I hope to be able to cook a lovely evening meal for my husband and I. I hope to have enough energy to go to the gym and attend that spin class that I used to go to. I hope to catch up with my friends and walk together on a lovely sunny day but for now I do not have the energy for any of these things.
I only have energy to do the bare minimum and then concentrate on myself. In doing so I am using the few hours I have to myself to recharge my batteries so that when I wake up through the night and early the next morning I have had some time to myself to refresh my mind.
I know that I still I have many years to go however I am sure one day, when my children are older and they are at home relaxing or doing their homework I will be out for that ‘evening walk.’ Or even better, one day we may all be out for that, ‘evening walk’ together.
Mum to boys